Few would argue with the importance of open and honest communication in healthy relationships.Except being honest doesn’t always go so well. It is easy to be honest when you have something nice or positive to say. Yet when honesty involves delivering a potentially hard to hear communication many of us experience some degree of stress when either delivering or receiving it.
Some avoid these tough conversations altogether hoping the issue just goes away. It is far too easy, not to mention enticing, to avoid a tough conversation because you fear your honesty might be hurtful or elicit a negative reaction that you would rather not confront.
Others hit the issue head on and call it like they see it. Sometimes they have a positive impact and sometimes they just cause distress. The results of an honest conversation are unpredictable if your focus is only on being honest.
Consider that those who deliver difficult messages consistently in a way that earns respect rather than fosters fear are focused on something other than honesty: their primary focus is on making a difference.The problem with honesty is that what is honest for you as an individual is a personal truth. While something may be true for you it is not necessarily THE truth about a person or situation.
When you communicate honestly, believing you are right, there is only one thing the listener will hear – someone or something is wrong or has done wrong. Once that happens the conversation is over even if the exchange of words continues.
Why I suggest honesty is NOT the best policy is because honesty is about communicating from what we see, feel, and believe, and if our considerations end there the conversation is likely to go badly.
Unless you can stand in the world of the listener, your honesty all too often will occur like an assault. We know that intuitively, which is why I’ll suggest we fight within ourselves so hard sometimes to refrain from being completely honest.
This doesn’t mean that honesty is not a good policy. It’s just that honesty alone is not enough to ensure honesty is always the best policy.
The key is to focus on being straight vs. honest. By straight I mean speaking honestly for the purpose of making a difference.
Use the 3 C’s “test” to determine if your communication is going to be straight.
Are you CLEAR?
Do you know the specific point you want
to make? If you can’t articulate the point in one simple sentence you
are probably not clear enough to be heard.
Is your communication CLEAN?
There is a big difference between
speaking up to make a difference and speaking out to be heard. When the
purpose of communicating is all about you chances are it is not going
to be clean. Also, consider if what you are going to say authentic for
you? Be mindful of the temptation to say things you don’t really think
are true just to make the other person feel comfortable. Trying to
“soften the blow” usually ends up diluting the difference the
communication will make.
Is your intention to CONTRIBUTE?
When you feel the need to be honest it is
important to consider the purpose. Do you want to be right or prove a
point, or do you want to make a difference? Do you genuinely want to
make a difference for the other person, a group, a situation, etc.? Do
you want to improve a relationship or elevate someone’s performance?
Your authentic intention matters more in ensuring a positive outcome
than the elegance of your words.
The bottom line is this: if you want to communicate honestly as an
act of leadership, focus on being straight first. You will not always
succeed in making the intended difference. It can take a lot of courage
and takes practice to master. So remember to appreciate yourself and
others for every attempt whether you succeed or fail.I’d love to hear from you. What do you do to ensure honesty is indeed the best policy?
